The phrase ‘A leopard never changes its spots’ dates back as far as the Old Testament prophet Jeremiah and, for the most part in life, it holds true. In soapland, however, it’s essential that leopards/characters change their spots faster than EastEnders’ Phil changes wives.
When a character starts sending the audience into (at best) a Mogadon stupor or (at worst) rigor mortis, it’s time to up the ante.
Take Corrie’s Alina. I’ve nothing against the actor; in fact, I’m told she is charming to work with and a nice person all round.
But how long could they keep the saccharine boredom of her character going? Now, there are signs she may be the devil in disguise, and one can only hope – for her sake and ours.
EastEnders is a veritable Jackson Pollock of changing spots. Kat turned gangster’s moll overnight, but has reverted back to Miss Goody Two-Shoes in wanting to run a legitimate business empire with Phil (he’s no Jeff Bezos, by the way).
Emmerdale’s Gabby is turning into Lady Macbeth before our eyes – not a great advert for teenage pregnancy.
It’s a jungle out there. Never judge a leopard by its spots.
EASTENDERS: MONEY WALKS
Rocky’s attempts to impress go awry when Kathy’s (pictured) purse goes missing in this week’s EastEnders
You will not believe the lengths Rocky goes to in order to impress Kaffy. In the old days, she’d have been happy with half a lager and a packet of pork scratchings – and on a really desperate night, forget the scratchings.
Alas, Rocky’s efforts to impress go awry when Kaffy’s purse goes missing. To top it all, Ruby’s house is broken into, and Kaffy’s suspicions increase; Sonia also suspects him.
Now, let’s consider the evidence: when has Kaffy ever had more than 10p in her purse to pay for anything? And why would anyone, in their right mind, break into Ruby’s house? Martin’s the only thing worth stealing.
Later in the week, Kaffy arranges for Sonia and Rocky to meet to discuss their issues. Honestly, mate: why don’t you just take the Tube into the West End for a night?
This is more trouble than it’s worth. And wait until your daughter offers to give you a trumpet solo; Louis Armstrong she ain’t.
Serial killer Gray appears to be lining up his next victim when he and Chelsea start flirting. What’s it going to take for him to be found out? Don’t go near the dishwasher, Chelsea.
CORONATION STREET: NOT SO SILENT WITNESS
Leanne comes out of hiding to give evidence against Harvey in Coronation Street
Will Leanne ever smile again? That’s the million dollar question as her life goes from bad to worse after coming out of hiding to give evidence against Harvey (a query: given that she’s been in hiding, where did she go to get her hair secretly coiffured so beautifully for court? Asking for a friend).
What made her decide to risk all and tell the truth? Well, another scene involving gunshots. They really are milking that firearm prop.
It’s bad news for Sharon, who receives a beating for trying to warn Leanne, and now needs £10k back from Rita to help her disappear. That much? She should talk to David the dog. He’s disappeared for what was probably the price of a tin of Pedigree Chum.
This Double Glammy nonsense is dragging on with seemingly no end in sight, and to what purpose, it’s hard to fathom.
At least it’s keeping the fabulous Daisy centre stage, and she might be around for longer when she suggests to Jenny that they buy the pub together, getting a loan based on her Double Glammy earnings.
Will Daniel publish his article about the company’s dodgy dealings and put a spanner in the works? Out of interest: does Daniel own a pen/computer/phone to do any of this? All his money clearly goes on his hair – and paying someone to care for Bertie, who he has yet to notice has disappeared. Maybe he’s run off with David the dog.
EMMERDALE: ALL IN THE MIX
Jamie arrives to see Will being arrested (pictured) as well as a lifeless Kim waiting for a body bag in Emmerdale
An estate agent would run into trouble selling Home Farm: ‘One careful owner’ can never be easily applied to the M ’n’ Ms (Murder and Mayhem) hellhole. There’s more drama to come when Kim tells Jamie she plans to trap Will into being caught on camera spiking her drink.
But what’s the real story, when Jamie arrives to find Will being arrested, and a lifeless Kim waiting to take up residence in a body bag?
I’m just not buying Will as a killer. He’d have trouble summoning up enough energy to open a brandy bottle; playing a druggie mixologist is way beyond his capabilities.