SNL skewers Trump’s impeachment attorneys in new cold open


Saturday Night Live has taken aim at Donald Trump‘s impeachment defense team, mocking the lawyers after they secured an acquittal in the Senate on the charge of incitement to insurrection.

After avoiding poking fun at President Joe Biden since Inauguration Day, Saturday’s cold open followed the trend, taking aim only at Republicans in an impeachment-focused sketch.

Framed as an episode of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the sketch mocked the Fox News host, as well as Republican Senators Lindsey Graham, Tex Cruz and Mitch McConnell.

Trump’s impeachment defense lawyers Bruce Castor and Michael T. van der Veen came in for special derision in the sketch, which mocked them as bumbling and incompetent.

Framed as an episode of Tucker Carlson Tonight, the new SNL mocked the Fox News host, as well as Republican Senators Lindsey Graham, Tex Cruz and Mitch McConnell

Mikey Day portrayed Bruce Castor, whose real life hour-long opening statement at the trial was slammed even by Trump's Senate allies as 'rambling' and pointless'

Mikey Day portrayed Bruce Castor, whose real life hour-long opening statement at the trial was slammed even by Trump’s Senate allies as ‘rambling’ and pointless’

Mikey Day portrayed Castor, whose real life hour-long opening statement at the trial was slammed even by Trump’s Senate allies as ‘rambling’ and pointless.’

‘I want to apologize for being unprepared last time I was out here. Wife bought decaf but I promise I will make it up to you now,’ said Day’s Castor.

The bumbling character continued, mocking Castor’s real-life slip up: ‘I’m the lead prosecutor, nope I’m the counsel, I know the difference. But as Trump’s bailiff — nope not right either.’

Pete Davidson portrayed van der Veen, explaining of the Philadelphia attorney’s name: ‘that’s Dutch for man of the penis, so I’ve heard it all.’

‘This is the worst thing that’s been in the Senate chamber in the history of a couple weeks,’ said Davidson’s van der Veen.

The character blasted the late proposal for witnesses to testify remotely that briefly roiled the proceedings on Saturday, saying: ‘I can’t afford to zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this?’

Pete Davidson portrayed Michael van der Veen, explaining of the Philadelphia attorney's name: 'that's Dutch for man of the penis, so I've heard it all.'

Pete Davidson portrayed Michael van der Veen, explaining of the Philadelphia attorney’s name: ‘that’s Dutch for man of the penis, so I’ve heard it all.’

‘But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own, like Vice President Kaluah Harris, Anya Pressley and Ilhan Omaha,’ he continued.

‘Did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know,’ he added.

As Trump’s real defense did, the van der Veen character presented a clip tape of people saying the word ‘fight’ — but the fictional version also included movie characters such as Star Wars’ JarJar Binks.

‘Well said JarJar, meesa rest my case,’ concluded Davidson’s van der Veen. 

The sketch also took aim at Senate Republicans such as Graham, played by Kate McKinnon.

The sketch also took aim at Senate Republicans such as Graham, played by Kate McKinnon, and Cruz, portrayed by Aidy Bryant

The sketch also took aim at Senate Republicans such as Graham, played by Kate McKinnon, and Cruz, portrayed by Aidy Bryant

‘Just because the rioters were screaming ‘fight for Trump’ doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads, maybe even some Eric stans,’ said McKinnon’s Graham. 

‘He didn’t attempt a coup he is coo,’ the character continued. ‘He’s the cooest guy I know.’

Cruz was next in line for mockery, with Aidy Bryant portraying the Texas Republican.

‘Like any impartial jurors we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers to give them some very simple legal advice,’ said Bryant’s Cruz.

The sketch mocked Cruz for defending Trump after the former president called his wife ‘ugly’ during the 2016 presidential primary.

‘Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife,’ Bryant’s Cruz said. ‘I think she’s beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you busted.’

McConnell, played by Beck Bennett, rounded out the sketch, finally opening up with his true feelings about Trump

McConnell, played by Beck Bennett, rounded out the sketch, finally opening up with his true feelings about Trump

‘Just in time for Valentine’s Day,’ Moffat’s Tucker said. ‘Wow. And can I say the beard is working?’

‘Well, you’d be the first,’ Bryant’s Cruz replied.

McConnell, played by Beck Bennett, rounded out the sketch, finally opening up with his true feelings about Trump.

‘I think he’s guilty as hell, and the worst person I ever met and I hope every city, county, and state locks his a** up,’ he said.

Asked about what comes next, the McConnell character said: ‘I plan to reach my hand across the aisle, and then yank it back again and say “too slow”‘. 



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